Square Enix has a healthy-sized stable of IPs, and a long list of excellent games. While most of those games have arrived in the United States in some form, There are a few that continue to be ignored. Possibly a financial nightmare for S-E to justify, the kooky RTS gameplay of Hanjuku Hero over the years probably left them with little choice.
Hanjuku Hero vs. 3D is a particularly interesting Hidden Gems subject for a number of reasons: I bought the special edition by chance, I’ve always wanted to play a Hanjuku Hero game, and I’ve been delaying playing this particular game more times than I can count.
Despite having a number of games on my plate (including Ryu Ga Gotoku 3 and Sega’s 7th Dragon), I feel obligated to put myself through this insanity, if only to adhere, if only haphazardly, to my earlier promise. I probably should not have said such things on video, but I was full of beer and sushi.
Sit back and relax. This is Hidden Gems.
12:08 – Twice as late and half as good, I’m finally going to do this feature. Biohazard 5, Street Fighter IV and 7th Dragon have interrupted me for the last time. Let’s do this. Keep in mind that it’s midnight right now, and I’ve had a few drinks.
12:10 – This intro is a hilarious parody of an anime, with cel-animated characters fighting with CG enemies. It even has karaoke subtitles so fans can sing along.
12:11 – Instead of Press Start, the title screen instead says はやく押して〜, which basically means “Hurry up and press!” Hilarious.
12:15 – Are all the cutscenes told as live theater, or just this first one? I wonder.
12:16 – Weird. As if mimicking TV, during the cutscene, the game gave a superimposed weather warning that said “This game is Hanjuku Hero vs. 3D”.
12:20 – The music so far is delightfully retro. I just sent my troops to a bunch of different citadels in hopes of kicking ass in hilarious ways. My enemies are still all 2D so far, so I assume the real threat hasn’t arrived yet. I’m assuming the game is going to offer some sort of heavy handed tutorial in characteristic Square Enix style, as I still have no idea how to fight enemies.
12:22 – I just realized absolutely every command is written in hiragana and not a combination of hiragana and kanji. That’s actually making this a bit harder than I expected it to be.
12:23 – I just won the encounter but I’m not entirely sure how I did. Well, Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, I suppose. My goons seem to be happy enough.
12:26 – Kokotto, you fool, you’ll be the downfall of this entire kingdom!
12:28 – Good lord, I just ordered a new unit type. After swearing their allegiance to the crown, they performed a rap number and rhymed about how great they were.
12:31 – I was so dazzled by the rap, that I didn’t realize they were changing places, and forcing me to choose the one I really wanted. Looks like I managed to catch on in time. I got exactly what I wanted. Take that game!
12:36 – Sebathchan seems to be a really reliable general. I realize this is just the opening moments of the game, but I can definitely see me using him more often.
12:37 – So, as far as I can gather so far from what I’ve played, I can move my individual armies around the field, and either capture kingdoms or attack armies that are charging across the landscape to take over my kingdoms. Once in battle, things seem to be very simple. I move my whole army around as a one mass and charge them into the enemy, trying to keep my general in the middle safe from spears and swords. I assume my repertoire of special attacks will expand as I get deeper, but so far I have the ability to use stamina to inflict more damage, a distraction move that seems ineffective most of the time, and the ability to flee. My first battle, I made the dumb mistake of fleeing without actually reading what the option was.
12:42 – Sebathchan captured another kingdom, and I think I’m done playing for the night. I’ll try to play more when I have a little more time. This game is downright hilarious. One funny tidbit before I go. The progress bar when the game saves is a series of pictures: egg, cracked egg, chick, chicken…drumstick.
That does it for the first part of our Hanjuku Hero vs. 3D Hidden Gems column. Be sure to check back in the coming weeks for subsequent installments, headaches permitting.
I remember playing one of the Hanjuku Hero games on the SNES at a friend’s house when I was in high school. If I remember correctly, each army you controlled had a giant egg with them that you could hatch (with a crazy animation of the soldiers dancing in circles around the egg) which called forth some weird parodies of FF summons. I didn’t play it long, but it seemed pretty funny.